


Pepper Spray

by extraterrestriallester (spaceyjules)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: M/M, Phanfiction, Short & Sweet, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-03
Updated: 2016-11-03
Packaged: 2018-08-28 20:52:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8462530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceyjules/pseuds/extraterrestriallester
Summary: based on a prompt from phanfic that i lost the screenshot of but it was basically “i think you’ve been following me so i pepper sprayed you but you turned out to not be a creep at all”. basically, dan sprays phil and they turn out to be neighbours.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i’ve finally written something again! It’s very short though. I saw this promt on phanfic and it just kinda appealed to me, it was cute and stuff so i decided to make too much of a long hot mess out of it.

He was being followed. Dan was sure of it.

This guy, this tall, weird guy, had been walking behind him for 10 minutes now. When Dan took a shortcut to the supermarket, that guy had been behind him. When he took the path towards the building, that guy had taken the same path. 

Being followed was never something good. In movies it always led to the first murder, and in detective shows it’s always the first scene of the episode. 

Walking up to the doors of his building, Dan took his phone out of his pocket, ready to call 999. 

He stopped to search for his keys in his rucksack. He could hear the tall guy walk up behind him. 

 

When he was sure the guy was as close to him as he was ever going to get, Dan struck. 

Smacking the man against his temple with the underside of his phone, Dan reached for his tiny can of pepper spray. “Stop!” he yelled. With his thumb, he popped off the cap and aimed, spraying his opponent for two seconds exactly. 

Quickly, Dan opened the door and ran inside, up the stairs, into the lift. 

 

He reached his apartment and went inside to flop down on the couch, when the intercom buzzed. 

Surprised, he pushed the button to communicate with whoever was outside. “Who’s this?” he asked. 

 

“Um, yeah, hello? I need help,” the voice said. “I live on the third floor, number twenty-five, but someone attacked me, and now I can’t see!” 

 

Uh-oh. 

 

It looked like Dan had pepper-sprayed one of his neighbours. “Oh. Um. That’s terrible!” Dan feigned surprisement. “I’ll buzz you in, and then I’ll wait outside of your apartment to help, alright?” 

 

A relieved sigh, barely noticeable through the grainy sound of the intercom. This guy had obviously already tried a few numbers. “Yes, that’s very kind of you, thank you. I’ll be right there.” 

 

Dan wondered how he was going to talk his way out of this one. 

  
  


Luck was never on Phil’s side. Stumbling up to his apartment, he thought about how well the day had been going. He’d had a good breakfast, a terrific day at work (what with the promotion and all), and then, when he got home from the party, someone pepper sprayed him. 

Great, now he’d have to get a new set of contact lenses too.

 

“Hello? Are you the person that’s been sprayed?” 

 

Phil groaned. “Yes, I’m afraid that’s me. Phil Lester, bad luck loves me. Are you the person I spoke to through the intercom?” 

 

“Yes, I’m Dan, nice to meet you. We don’t have to shake hands or anything, let’s just get your eyes working again.” 

 

Dan’s voice sounded warm, genuine and kind, and Phil smiled despite the stinging pain in his eyes. “Thank you,”. Phil held out his phone in the direction of Dan’s voice. “I already asked my phone what to do, here it is.” 

 

Phil heard Dan laugh. “Man, I love technology. Okay, come with me.” Dan grabbed Phil’s arm and led him into his apartment. “Okay, here’s the couch. Keep your eyes closed, don’t rub them, but blink a lot.” 

 

Phil did as he was told. He heard Dan rummaging around in the kitchen, the tap running. “By the way, are you wearing contacts?” Dan asked.

 

“Uh, yes. Damn.” 

 

“Don’t worry!” Dan came back into the room and handed Phil a washcloth. “Heres something to wipe the spray off your hands. Take out the lenses when your hands are clean.” 

 

The cloth was lukewarm, a nice temperature for Phil’s cold hands. “Do you think they’re clean now?” he asked. 

 

Dan took Phil’s hands and wiped them off some more. Phil didn’t mind this. It felt pleasant, caring. “That should do it,” said Dan. “Take out those contacts now.” 

 

Through trial-and-error, and with a lot of pain, Phil took out his contact lenses. It was awfully hard to do with no mirror. Not that a mirror would’ve been of any use right now, since he was practically blind. 

 

“Okay, there you go,” Dan said, “are you still doing okay?” 

 

Phil laughed. “I mean, I did just get sprayed in the eyes-” 

 

“But you’re fine, okay, I get it.” Dan laughed too. “Okay, so, the next step is to clean out your eyes with cold water for at least fifteen minutes. There’s a bowl of water in front of you, good luck. I need to use the bathroom.” 

  
  


Dan looked at himself in the mirror after washing his hands.  _ That guy was cute. Damn. Okay, that’s not the point.  _

He had to get his number. But how was he going to get that when Phil found out Dan was the one who temporarily blinded him? 

He just wouldn’t tell him. 

That’s exactly what he was going to do. He just wouldn’t tell him and hopefully they’d end up having a good time and everything would be fine. 

 

He decided to dive in head-first. 

 

“So, Phil,” Dan said when he re-entered the room.  “tell me about yourself.” 

 

This took Phil by surprise. In the middle of splashing a new load of water on his face, he said: “What?”

 

A faint blush crept over Dan’s cheeks. He was kind of glad Phil had still had pepper spray in his eyes. “I mean,” he said, “we might as well make the most out of the situation. Let’s get to know each other each other a bit!” A very cringe-worthy pick-up line, but one that always worked in Dan’s advantage, because who could say no to that? 

 

“Huh.” said Phil. “Okay, sure. What do you want me to say?”

 

Dan pretend to think for a while. “Just, tell me about your life. How old are you, what’s your favourite food, what do you do for a living, are you dating anyone, et cetera.” 

 

Phil chuckled. “Okay, okay, I see where this is going. Why don’t you answer those questions yourself first?”

 

Dan liked Phil’s witty response. “Well,” he said, “my name is Dan, as you know, and I’m 24. My favourite food is anything that I can prepare in under 30 minutes and doesn’t taste like cardboard. Oh, and I’m terribly single. How about you?” 

 

Phil smiled. Dan was kinda cute. “My name’s Philip, but everyone calls me Phil. I’m 28 and my favourite foods are milk and cereal, even though I’m lactose intolerant. I haven’t dated anyone for so long I gave up trying and switched to letting the other person approach me.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yeah.” Phil dabbed his eyes with a towel. “I fall in love too easily so-” he stopped talking. “Anyway, what’s the next step?” 

 

Dan was at a loss for word for a few seconds, but gathered himself just as quickly. “Uh… it says here to make a solution with one quarter mild detergent and three quarters cool water. I did that, the bowl is next to the other one.” 

 

Phil tried to point at the bowl. “This one?” 

“Bit to the left,” said Dan. “Yes, right there. Okay, so the rest reads: ‘Keeping your eyes firmly shut, dip your face into the solution for twenty seconds. Rinse off your face and repeat ten times. Make sure to refresh the solution after each rinse.’ I think if you dry your face and hands with a clean paper towel every time, that won’t be necessary.” 

 

“Okay, I’m going in,” Phil said jokingly. 

 

Dan laughed. “Good luck, sergeant. I’ll get us a drink for when you’re done. And some more towels.”

  
  


They laughed and talked for a long time. Dan wanted to know everything about Phil, wanted to know his favourite colour, his opinion on video games, the way his mother taught him to clean his own room, anything that kept Phil talking. Anything that kept Phil with him. 

Never before had Dan wanted to be with someone more.

 

“Another time,” Phil said, “I stubbed my toe, causing me to trip over my own feet, and then, I poked myself in the eye as I regained balance.“” 

 

Dan was perplexed. “You’re lying. No-one can be that unlucky.” 

 

“Why would I lie to you, Dan?” Phil said jokingly

 

They laughed again. Dan felt his stomach sting when he reminded himself that it was all a big joke. Sure, Phil might wanted to be friends with him, but anything more than that? No one as great as Phil would ever put up with Dan for longer than 3 months. Not when they found out the way he really was. 

 

“So,” Phil said, “What’s one of your most embarrassing moments?” 

 

“Hmm… Well, just three days ago, I was in the lift with someone, right, and there was this other guy-” 

 

“Wait, I think I know this story.” 

 

Oh no, Dan thought. “How so?” 

 

“I’m friends with the person who lives in 104, and he said he saw someone in the lift-” 

 

“With blood on their face?” 

 

“Yes! Exactly, how weird right?” Phil made a face.

 

Dan felt extremely embarrassed. “Yeah, uh… that was me. I had jam on my face.” 

 

Phil raised an eyebrow. “How so?” 

 

Dan groaned. “It seems my bagel-to-mouth coordination isn’t as good as I thought. That’s all I’m going to say about it.”

 

Phil tried to hold back his laughter, but failed. “Jeez, I’m so sorry. Could’ve been me though, I’m not judging you.” 

 

Phil genuinely didn’t seem to mind. This calmed Dan down a little bit. “Yeah, judging on your so-told clumsiness, I could imagine that would happen to you.” 

 

A silence was about to fall when Phil’s phone buzzed. “Sorry, I gotta check this.” 

 

Dan smiled and got up to clean up their glasses and the wine. “That’s fine-” 

 

“Shit!” Phil called out. “I mean, oh no!” 

 

Dan stopped in his tracks. “What is it?” 

 

Phil sighed and got up, apologising profusely. “I’m so sorry, I have to go-” 

 

“Phil.” Dan grabbed Phil’s arm. “What’s wrong?” 

 

“I missed a very important appointment. It’s about my brother, he-” Phil stopped talking. “I mean, that’s a bit personal. Sorry. I really need to go.” 

 

Phil slipped Dan a note. “That’s my number. ” 

 

Dan felt his heart swell up in heart. With his hand on the doorknob, Phil turned around one last time. “You’ll call me, right?” he asked. 

 

“Of course.” Dan smiled and his eyes were twinkling. “Of course I’ll call you.” 

 

Then Phil was out the door, leaving Dan standing in awe.  _ What a man. _ He felt Phil’s note in his hand. 

 

_ dear dan, _

_ I know it was you who sprayed me.  _

_ let’s have coffee sometime. xxx phil.  _

 

Underneath, Phil's number flaunted itself.  _ What a man. _

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you like it and if you do, reblogs on tumblr/likes are v much appreciated!


End file.
